5 Things They Don’t Tell You About Teething— And How To Survive Them

“Oh yay teething!” Said No One, Ever.

My sweet-tempered cherub is spewing streams of drool and making a noise somewhere between a wildcat and the Evil Dead cam. Because, teething.

Today, we are at a low point. It’s 6am and there is no diaper on his teeny red tush. He has —rather impressively—ripped his pants and socks off. Screaming and sweaty, we have already gnawed on, gummed up, slimed on and rejected (read: thrown violently) a million plush things, a cold cloth, a pair of tiger shoes, a soother, and a onesie.

Was this remotely what teething was like with my first? Luckily the miracle of rose-dusted selective parenting memories (and wine) have let me forget all this stuff. Sadly, it’s also let me forget how to fix it which is why I have to pass on all the knowledge before I forget it again—

1. Diaper changes will all SUCK.

Thanks to all the insane amounts of drool he or she is producing, your peanut may have diaper rash and crazy teething diarrhea. Make sure you have extra wipes, extra changes of clothes, and a hefty dollop of barrier cream for that tiny tush. My kid also needed a gentle prescription cream, and a bunch of no-nappy time which has been pleasing him immensely. Just be fast on your feet, because it seems that the frequency of Bellagio fountain pee performances increase dramatically as soon as that diaper comes off.

A tough teething day, with some therapeutic no-nappy time.

2. Any sleep routine you’ve managed to establish goes out the window.

Remember when you weren’t sleeping for the first 3 months? And then you worked really hard to wean them off that brutal middle-of-the-night feed so you could have some semblance of shut eye? Remember the sweet victory and knowing smiles your family exchanged when you came downstairs that first morning kind of refreshed because you actually had more than 3 hours of sleep? Yeah. That was nice wasn’t it?

My kid has been waking up every 2 or so hours through the night again, thanks to tooth pain, a stuffed nose, the aforementioned diaper rash and crazy poop situations. I seem to remember this ebbing and flowing along with the teeth breaking through, and this time I’ve been using Camilia, nursing, and a soothing cold cloth or cold soother to suck or chew on, to get through the 4am rough spots. I’ve also heard of other nighttime teething help varying from wearing amber anklets, to giving a dose of infant ibuprofen or acetaminophen if your doctor says it’s ok.

Chewing on a sock monkey.

Yep. That is my nose.

3. Your boobs will be a chew toy.

You may have pushed through various obstacles with your nursing and if you are now in the sweet spot, be forewarned. Baby’s hungry? No prob. Bam— BOOB. Need some comfort? Bam—BOOB! Need a teether? BA- Now just wait a minute here. We’ve been through a myriad of options to steer away from this, because I can’t even.

We’re great fans of eating chilled foods, sucking slivers of lightly frozen banana or gnawing on cold carrots. I like these options because they’ve segway-ed nicely into baby led weaning and exploring different food textures.

I also like to encourage self-soothing wherever possible. The Munch Mitt is essentially a cute, food-grade silicone, teething mitten that straps on to your baby’s hand so they can chomp away on themselves instead of on you. I like this. A lot.

Chomping on a nice cold carrot.

Munch Mitt to the rescue!

4. Everything will end up on the floor and covered in drool when you need it to be clean and in their mouths.

This will also happen when you are the farthest proximity from any running water, store, restaurant, or soother. There will also likely be a crowd of people who require quiet or some other level of decorum that can’t be met if you have a screaming, rigid, baby hitting the E above High C. How do I know this? SCIENCE.

This is another reason I am loving Munch Mitt. Yes, it’s BPA and phthalate free, and it’s a great deal at $21.95. BUT IT STAYS. It stays on my kid’s hand with actual velcro at his wrist. This is a million times better than my initial (frowned-upon) idea of duck taping random teething items to my child.

I suggest Munch Mitt for initial infant teething— heck, put it on their hands as soon as possible so they get used to it and learn to self-soothe and keep self-soothing. For my 8 month old Kid Vader, the ‘mitt’ aspect has now given way to a fun game of ‘I bet I can get this off me’, but even then the distraction it offers and the amount of time it spends jammed in his mouth soothing his gums instead of on the floor, makes it an invaluable piece of gear—and one of his very favourite toys.

About to start mashing a bottle of water.

5. Teething takes forever.

It’s a fact. Your sweet, bald, toothless baby is going to be sprouting teeth for years. Years. You’ll actually forget that they’re teething because it’ll go on for so long. You’ll be all ‘What the heck? Why does my kid have a temperature? Why is he so cranky? What kind of flu is this?’ And then you’ll have a face-palm epiphany when yet another pearly culprit breaks through.

So sit back, relax, and pass that chilled food. Hand over the Munch Mitt. Give me that camilia— the perpetually gumming, slobbery, mess that is your kid’s face is here to stay for a while.

Lucky for us, those faces are all so darn cute.