I usually take the time to craft my articles and posts with painstaking perfection. I agonize over my writing for days. But not today. Today (as I have for the last week and a half) I’m solo parenting and my expectations about my achievements and life in general have gone to crap.

Here’s my highlight reel so far, unedited because SOLO PARENTING.

Day 2

I did a diaper change in the big bed at 3am. Kid Vader pooped on my sheets. I put a towel down over top of the mess and promptly fell asleep. I woke up dreaming that I was at an all inclusive beach resort, lying poolside on fresh terry cloth until I put out my hand for a margarita and stuck my fingers into the dirty diaper that I’d forgotten to throw out.

Day 4

Every time the dog goes out, I have to pack up the kids too. Vee wrestles with her snow gear and screams at me every time she has to put her hat on. Kid Vader flexes like the Hulk whenever it’s time to get into the carrier. It takes us 40 mins to get ready to walk to the one spot in the city of Toronto that my crazy dog will pee. This also means that by the time I get back inside it’s pretty much time to head back out again. I’ve started daydreaming about training my dog to use the toilet. That’s normal, right?

On the bright side, I just showered for the first time in 3 days. With a baby wipe.

Day 5

Everyone is sick. Everyone. Vee has pneumonia, Kid Vader has his first cold, the dog’s tummy seems off, and I can’t breathe.

Luckily taking the dog out with the kids everyday has served as training — getting the kids to the doctor today wasn’t that bad. Parenting, level up!

Day 6

I just carried 5 bags of groceries into the house along with a crying car seat and a screaming 40 lb 4 year old hanging off of my arm. So I’m getting exercise.

Day 7

I woke up to the smell of poo. Again. This time it was my dog, whose butt had seemingly exploded all over the kitchen. Three hours of cleaning later the smell of dog crap lingers. On the upside, I think my sinuses are finally clear.

I’m insanely jealous of my partner’s ability to go to the bathroom with less than 2 people in the room.

Day 8

I haven’t eaten a warm meal in days. So nothing new there.

Supergran has taken Vee for the next couple days because Kid Vader’s cold is getting worse and I need to vacuum the random mix of dog hair, dry leaves and cereal crumbs from the stairs. The mom guilt is overwhelming. Even the first real shower I’ve taken doesn’t make me feel better.

I just had a sex dream about one of the Kratt brothers. I will never look at Animal Junction the same way. Damn you, Netflix. Damn you.

Day 9

There is much screaming and mewling. My tenacity has melted into a burbling pot of self pity, self doubt, and Neocitrin. I have found myself wondering if my dog could drive me to the doctor but obviously he can’t because he doesn’t have his license.

Day 10

Asfaslkj aoinewaoiajfu adsjfkajl… HELF.

I got through it. And I did have a few epiphanies along the way, and quite a few enjoyable moments (mostly when I wasn’t required to wear pants or be alert).

How do you get through solo parenting? Do you have any tips to share?

Want to know what I learned about the whole solo parenting thing? Read this.